The lost and the loved

The lost and the loved

28 May 2020 Lifestyle , Journal 7

There was this little moment I had today at work.

The moment was around 2 minutes

But it felt like all those 9 months of US came together

And I fell apart

I arranged words into a neat break-up speech

I was breaking all over the buffet in the restaurant, in the hotel I now work in

Spiteful and disappointed in life itself

I wanted to end it with him

Because that’s how it usually goes in my head

When my heart is breaking and my soul is shattered

I want more

I want more pain

I want more breaking

I want to fight with everybody

And break everything I have

Everything that is precious to my heart

I wanted to break his heart

I wanted him to cry

I wanted him to feel the pain

I could never transfer onto him

But I wanted him to crush as I crushed

In my bed, gasping for air

When there was none left

My tears fed my brokenness

My nose couldn’t take in air

I opened my mouth ever so slightly

And took a leap

A leap of faith

I knew it would get better

I knew that death was inevitable

And it’s no reason for not living your life

For not enjoying the good, happy, full of joy moments

But I hated it

I despised it

I couldn’t be there for her

And I know it wouldn’t have changed anything

But at least I’d be there to say goodbye

Because when I left for Kiev airport

Kissing her on the head wasn’t enough

And I will always regret not being there for her

I miss her so much

But all I’ve got now

Are my tears streaming my face as I’m writing this

And pictures, videos of her

Our last days together ♥

***

Around 4pm today, I called my mom home (Ukraine).

I am currently in Germany

The “she” who died is the best dog in the world — Rottweiler Teri

She was sick when I was still at home and me and my parents cared for her.

I slept on the couch every night to be closer to her, we moved her to the house (she slept in her doghouse before)

I thought she was gonna die on my hands

And I cried my eyes out days before my departure

I hated that I had to go to Kiev for the visa, because I wasn’t home for 2 nights, I couldn’t sleep near her, I couldn’t be there for her

And on the 3rd night I was leaving for the airport

I pretty much had the feeling

That I’ll never see her again, but it was fogged with me finally getting the visa and flying over to see my bf for the first time in 7 months..

And now today, my mom told me..

She was buried right next to the other best dog in the world — Zorki, she was our first dog, also Rottweiler

I can’t stop crying, and I won’t for quite a while, because it hurts me that I could have been there for her and I wasn’t.

She had sarcoma and unfortunately, nothing could have saved her

It progressed so quickly

Me and my parents did everything we could

We all cared for her so much

And I hope she feels better, now that she’s not in pain

She will always be in my heart and a part of our family ♥

***

I love you and miss you

Always

The girl you always like to jump on

***

Thank you for taking the time to read this